the bubbles have melted . <body> <body>

Fake
Saturday, May 19, 2007


I feel so fake. Darn. Why? It's always like that.

I don't know why I'm being all so "nice" and "sweet" to everyone. Have you ever wondered why I'm always smiling, or at least I try to whenever I can?

That's because I want to make others feel happy, to cheer 'em up, to influence 'em, to change 'em. I don't want 'em to follow in my footsteps. I don't want 'em to feel what I'd felt then.

But inside, I ain't happy at all. I tell myself everyday that I must be optimistic. I thought I'd hidden everything perfectly well under the mask. What I didn't know was that I was so wrong.

And I broke down one day.

I don't know what's come over me that day. I juz'...broke down. Like that.

I managed to hold back my tears after I'd woken up, from home to school. On my way to school, I was venting my anger on myself. I visualised what I'd do when I reached school. I wanted to scream at 'em, to hate 'em. But I realised I couldn't. I didn't want to remind myself of all the past memories.

I couldn't hate anyone. No, it's forbidden. It'd only bring me pain. As a result, I couldn't vent my anger on anyone. I'd to keep everything to myself. I couldn't face anyone. I was afraid that I'd break down. I couldn't shout or anything.

Maybe that's the reason. All I did was to raise my head up, and that's all it's needed to cause my breakdown. I cried. In front of everyone.

Darn it. You foolish girl, why can't you bear it somemore? It's just a lil while more. Yet you can't control yourself. And this isn't the first time. How many times are you gonna break down like that?

People usually won't notice me crying, 'coz I was always sitting at the corner of the classroom. They juz' won't give a damn about me. But this time was different. There were juz' too many people around me...

Forget it.

Ha, the most "courteous" girl in class. I don't know if I deserved to be nominated. I realised I was too much of a guaii kia, but I was brought up like that, I grew up with that. Perhaps it's just me, 'coz my brother seems to be pretty rebellious.

Most of my classmates are rebellious. They especially hate some of the teachers and are really mean to 'em. Like what I'd said, I couldn't bring myself to hate anyone. Then, I always hand in my homework on time. No matter what it costs me, I'll still try my best to complete everything. When I see any teachers, I'll bow and greet 'em. I always turn the tap on to the minimum. I've never asked my parents' for pocket money or asked 'em to buy anything for me. Etc.

I don't know...I'm really tired. If only life has a "backspace" button...

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#o4_inhershadows } 'xiaoqii-
5/19/2007 10:24:00 PM

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