the bubbles have melted . <body> <body>

Breakin' Down
Saturday, April 21, 2007


Why? I feel so useless, so lost, so devoid of emotions.

My grades are falling and I can't hand in homework on time. Maybe it's because of my poor time management? But I'm really tired. Sometimes, I'll ask myself, "Is it worth it? Are you willing to sacrifice so much for it?"

I've been staying back in school lately until almost 6pm. When I reach home, I'll try to do my homework, but I'd end up falling asleep. I really can't control myself. I'm tired.

Every night, I'll cry myself to sleep. I'm scared. How am I gonna face everyone the next day?

I feel that I'm isolating myself. I hate noise. I hate people. I hate everything. I skip recesses and lunch almost everyday. People are gonna think that I'm anorexic. But I'm not. I'm perfectly fine. I'm not thin or even slim. I'm just average.

I don't know what's going on. I'm beginning to detest food. It's becoming a fact that eating is a burden to me. I've no time to eat. I've no time for such a silly thing.

During Guzheng practices, they said I didn't move, that I wasn't engrossed in the playing. But I did. I really did. I bent, I breathed. They had no rights to say that. They couldn't see. How would they know when they were playing? It'd mean that they weren't focused or engrossed.

I admit that sometimes I didn't put in enough effort or feelings when I was playing. But I'm really tired. I couldn't feel anything. I had my mask on. I felt so empty, so devoid of emotions. I could faint anytime I wanted. I was hungry, tired. So fragile, so weak.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be strong. Being weak reminds me of the past me. I want to be optimistic, to be happy. So I act and I put on a mask. Everyday, I'll convince myself that I'm happy and I have to be positive.

I've changed. The past me thought life is meaningless.

I'd thought that everything, the world, would come to an end eventually and there was no point competing, inventing things or doing research. I'd thought that it was silly.

I'd thought that famous people were paid to come up with those inspiring quotes. I'd thought they were liars.

I'd thought I was a failure for disappointing everyone and giving up.

I was disgusted by everything in this world. I was a rebel. I was depressed.

When I read my old blog posts, I couldn't believe what I'd written. I didn't know I was so filled with hatred. I was an idiot in the past.

But I'm glad that I've woken up and changed. I refrain from using unnecessary words and I try my very best to be happy now. I try to show care and concern for everyone and I don't hate anyone now. Really. Hate is too strong of a word. Just a piece of advice, don't let there be hatred, 'coz it'll only bring you pain..

Ha. Oh well. It's really gonna be hectic next week. Common tests, assignments deadlines, French, SYF. They are driving me up the wall.

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#o4_inhershadows } 'xiaoqii-
4/21/2007 01:53:00 AM

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